The Ganglion Cyst Story

Last night in the ER, a patient had to have an I & D (incision and drainage...sounds LOVELY doesnt it?) of a cyst on his leg. It reminded me of my pre-nursing days when I provided moral support for my sister when she had a ganglion cyst removed.

I wrote this about 10 years ago, so bear with me.

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lump on her wrist. A doctor told the girl that it was a ganglion cyst. The girl recoiled in horror, because cysts are gross looking things, especially when it is on the wrist. So she was given two options: Whack it with a book, or journey to the hospital to have it removed. She chose the second option.

The girl was understandably frightened about the procedure, but luckily, she was blessed with a kind, wonderful, loving younger sister who happily volunteered to go with her to endure the operation with her. The girl with the cyst is named Dennise; the sidekick's name is Nicole. Nicole will kindly narrate the story for you, so sit back and let the story begin...

Let me begin by saying that the hospital in my town is less than perfect. It is non-sterile, and older than God. I walked in the front door with Dennise, expecting a simple procedure to be performed. As you read on, you will see that this was not the case.

Dennise was much stronger about the whole ordeal than I. I tried to be an oak, but as soon as I saw the doctor take out a needle the size of a railroad spike and jab her wrist with it about 5 times, I began to have second thoughts. It was then that Dennise told me to get the puzzled look off of my face. It worried her. I do not mask my feelings well.

Dr. Evil put a blade in his scalpel, and said, "Do you feel this?" and sliced her wrist. I go white, Dennise says, "Nope!" and the operation begins.

I think it was when he pulled the gaping lips of her wound apart that I began to reconsider my aspirations to be a surgical assistant. To make matters worse, the attending nurse looked at me and said, "Keep her blood pressure at a steady 210," and left the room!! I masked my shock at the decline of our provincial health care system and took over, the whole time assuming that if I did not do my "job" correctly that she would bleed to death. (Editors note: hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that the nurse had a blood pressure cuff around Dennise's arm to slow down any bleeding. Had she been practicing in the US, and even thought about leaving the room and getting a family member to maintain pressure, she would have had her ass sued off.)

Meanwhile, Dennises arm is a lovely shade of corpse white. I wouldn't have been surprised if I was sent to an apothecary to fetch some Eye of Newt or Powdered Bat Wings. I fully expected them to attach leeches to her torso and heat up glass cups. Dr. Death kept saying things like, "Oh my. Ewwww. Wow....its DEEP. Hmmm....this is going to be tricky."

Dennise starts to hum unnamed tunes. Since we are of the same blood, I take this to be a good indication that she is feeling pain. Out comes the freezing needle again, a squirt here, a jab there, and a"OUCH THAT HURTS" from Dennise and the operation continues.

Then, he asks for skin clamps. This does not bode well. Anything involving a "clamp" usually hurts.

In comes another nurse, Nic is monitoring the BP, and Dennise is demanding that I tell her stories. I amuse her with the story about the 3 year old boy that died during a tonsillectomy, and the "Hysterectomy Gone Wrong" account. Dennise is saying at 10 second intervals, "That feels so GROSS!!!" Dennise is a shade of pink; Nic is a shade of white. I tell her what a fantastic job she is doing. Dennise says with a note of ire, "Are you almost done?" Dr. Ebola says, "Hmmm, pretty well. Just have to find the STALK of the cyst." This disgusts both of us immensely. Dennise hums louder, Nic squeezes the BP bulb, and time goes on. It was then that I decided to stand up and see what was going on. The Doctor was pulling nasty, yellow goo out of her wrist with a huge pair of tweezers. (Editors note: Huge pair of tweezers= hemostats. Its the only thing I really learned in college)

I tell Dennise, "You are doing GREAT. FANTASTIC!!!! Better than me as a matter of fact!!!!" I return to my sitting position, and say, "I always wanted to be a nurse." Dr. Wanker says, "Well, now is your chance. See those sutures over there? Want to hand me a couple packages?" Once again, I successfully mask my shock, never mind the fact that I am UNGLOVED, not even SCRUBBED...and hand him the sutures. If she gets an infection in that wrist, I will have to seek revenge. (Editors note: I actually didnt need to freak out. When I opened the sutures, I didnt break his sterile field. Ha!)

Dr. Frankenstien starts stitching, Dennise demands more freezing, the Doctor says, "No, we are almost done" I read the murder in Dennises eyes.....and 3 stitches later, the operation is complete. Then, off comes the BP cuff. Her fingers are blue and gibbled. She goes to sit up, her hair tousled from her traumatic ordeal, and starts to weave. I bring her her shoes. Dennise says, "You dont honestly think Tylenol is going to be enough do you?" Nurse Skankhoe says, "Oh yes, Im sure it will, it was only a LITTLE lump." Dennise pulls an AK-47 from her jean pocket and shoots her between the eyes. Nicole slices her open and eats her liver. Resisting the urge to count our coupe we depart. And its off to the drug store to get some REAL pain medication!

Dennise is shaking from shock. I plop her in the van, cover her up with my coat and dash in to the drugstore ready to demand at gunpoint something a heck of alot stronger than ACETAMINOPHEN. I tell the person posing as a pharmacist the story and she tries to give me IBUPROFEN. I say, "What the fuck is this? This barely takes the edge off of a menstrual cramp, and I heard that it is rumored to cause anemia in large doses, and you think it will ease the pain of a slashed WRIST? I WANT CODEINE!!!! She hands it over, and I race out to the van, transport my patient home, and stuff her full of codeine. (Editors note: Holy shit! I forgot that you can get codeine over the counter in Canada! I need to stock pile that shit and start selling it on the street here in the US!)

The next few days were trialsome. Her fingers swelled up to the size of an average hardon, so this made everyday tasks difficult. By the eve of that same day, she was back up to the ER and was given Demerol. This surprised me, because I was sure they were going to call in a witch doctor to sing chants over her. I knew that she was going to be fine 3 days later when I tried calling her and the line was busy for 2 hours. I am happy to say that she is making a speedy recovery and will be fully functional by next week.

So that's the story. If you ever have a ganglion cyst, please, don't be anywhere near my town. And above all, try smashing it with a book before agreeing to minor surgery.