How come you dont have kids???

I love my grandchildren.

Ok, so they are "step" grandchildren, but they call me "Nana Nicole" (or Grandma Nic), so I will forgo the "step" issue.

I spent last weekend with Parker, Presley, Penelope and Pixie. (Yes, Pixie. Believe it or not, it suits her) Actually, wait; Paker wasnt there....there were only 3 of them. I lost count early on.

Amy is 24 years old, has 4 kids, and drives a mini van. I love spending time with her and the kids. I am continually amazed at how she is able to handle a litter of children without going completely insane.

When she first arrived at the house (with a clatter of feet, a diaper bag falling to the ground, a car seat in one hand, Nellie in the other, and Presley racing to hit the doorbell to see what "tune" its going to play), she looked me in the eye and said, "Oh god, she cried ALL the way here."

She was referring to Pixie. Im thinking, "How is that possible? Besides, shes barely even a month old. Newborn cries are so cute and puny anyways. It couldnt have been that bad." Wisely, I refrained from actually saying what I thought and sanctimoniously said, "Ill take her."

How cute. Shes so little, and so snuggly. You can fold her up like origami if you wanted to, and all she does is coo and grunt. I love babies.

The one good thing about having a pissed off 16 year old move out of your house is that her room is now available as a "Play Room." Nellie and Presley immediately race to the play room and start making noise (when we laid hardwood floors down, I had no idea that they would be so noisy....it sounded like 14 clysedales racing down a cobblestone street)

At this point, I realize that I have nothing to feed them. I dont have the grandchilren staples; namely juice boxes, cheese strings, individually packaged cookies or gummy fruit things, or Lunchables. I dont even have a can of Zoodles, and something tells me that they probably wouldnt like organic rice cakes for supper. So I decide to take everyone to Nopalitos, a trusty mexican restaurant.

Pixie, of course, is laying contentedly in the crook of my elbow. Even changing her diaper is fun. And look at all the outfits Amy brought. I would love to have a Pixie! Shes so cute!

After piling the entire brood into the van, we head to Nopalitos. I begin to notice that each child is trying to have a conversation with us at the same time. It sounds like a room full of pissed off monkeys back there...but I remind myself that there are only two of them. Pixie, of course, is sleeping. We try to do the "Let see who can be the quietest" game. It lasted 14 seconds (Nellie won). Turning up the radio only made it worse. A six mile drive lasted for eternity. I begin to wonder if it would be setting a bad example to stop at the liquor store with a van full of kids.

Finally we are at Nopalitos. Immediately, I begin to notice changes inside me. Usually, I just get out and walk in. Its different with kids. It was dark, so I holler out, "Hold Nana's hand!!! Dont run!!!" I had visions of one of them getting plowed over in the parking lot.... and the van doors open on both sides, so it seemed like they poured out each side as soon as the doors opened. And they run....ALL THE TIME. The parking lot is concrete, and if they trip and fall, they might bleed. Give me a bleeding adult any day....but a bleeding kid makes my heart hurt, rendering me inefficient.

To wrap this up, let me summarize the little things that people without kids take for granted:

1: Both kids had to poop at the same time. Both wanted privacy. I worried the whole time that one of them were going to fall in the toilet. That, and they both had to brace themselves on the disgusting toilet seats with their hands.

2: Tortila chips. What started out as being contained in a basket, ended up covering the entire surface area of the table. I even picked a few out of Pixies hair.

3: Guacamole. I had NO idea what a huge issue guacamole "touching" a quesadilla is to a 4 year old.

4: Cheese dip. Ever watch a two year old dip a chip in cheese dip? Do you think its done neatly? And she kept wanting to touch me with her cheese hands. No wonder mothers always seem to be wearing dirty shirts.

5: Who in the name of god thought it was a good idea to put little candy/toy machines by the register? And of course, I indulged both Presley and Nellie and let them buy something. Presley got a freaking WHISTLE in his.

6: Counter space. I dont have the muscle tone to hold a car seat AND pay for supper, and I refused to set her car seat down on the disgusting floor...so I let it balance precariously on a stack of menus and signed the credit card slip with one hand on the carseat, so it wouldnt plummet to the floor.

7: Did I mention that kids RUN? All the time???? Especially in parking lots????

To be continued....